So we see how politics shatters Platonic ideals into their constituent opposites – but at least we know what to think.Thank you, vicar. Now then: Mr Amess may not actually be clinically insane but it makes no odds in parliamentary terms. He told us of “teenagers crazed by turtles in the early Nineties”: remember them? Neither do I, but you couldn’t imagine the terrible things that happened to real turtles as a result. Nor would you want to try.Then there was the film 101 Dalmatians, which became a humanitarian disaster because “everyone’s gone out and bought these dalmatians!” No one could argue with that Certainly, no one tried But there was more. A man in an Essex pub, the Southend West MP told us, bought a lizard for pounds 20 but it turned out to be an 18-inch alligator-like caiman with large green eyes, razor-sharp teeth, bad skin and a number of toes missing.”Absolutely crazy,” Mr Amess’s verdict There was something we could all agree on.Worse was to come.

A puppy had been found on the roadside in mid-Glamorgan nearly a year ago It may have been thrown from a car Maybe it was a Christmas impulse purchase by an 11-year-old And maybe it wasn’t We were certainly free to speculate. We moved directly on to the Barnstaple case.Two chinchillas were found dumped on a doorstep after sparking a row between a boyfriend and a girlfriend. The girlfriend had been promised “something furry” for Christmas and was not happy with two rabbits in a cage. Were these boyfriend and girlfriend 12 years old? If so, where had they got the money to fund their evil trade? Perhaps from selling crack cocaine to disabled inner-city children with learning difficulties? Those of us who wished to speculate were free to do so.So, there it was. Mr Amess certainly brought to life David Winnick’s passionate point: “The House of Commons chamber is far from dead,” he cried. “Some of us are sick and tired of the accusation that in this Parliament the chamber no longer counts!”True, only too true. The protection of inoffensive but disposable pets is the duty of the chamber.

But alas! Having come so neatly to the subject of the Speaker we have no room to do him justice ‘Til next time.
More from Simon Carr. Although I don’t remember it, I must recently have written something about the art of protecting your house against burglars, because I have received a shoal of interesting letters on the subject I bring you a small selection today. Although I don’t remember it, I must recently have written something about the art of protecting your house against burglars, because I have received a shoal of interesting letters on the subject. I bring you a small selection today.
From Major Ted Woollincott Dear Mr Kington, I have read a police report this weekend saying that most crime in the country is now committed by children under 15 The solution is simple. Make sure all the windows in your house are at least six feet from the ground. That way, these undersized little beggars will never be able to climb in Unless, of course, they climb on one another’s shoulders.

My solution? Make standing on other people’s shoulders illegal It’s as simple as that. Yours etcFrom Mr Chris Willikins Dear Mr Kington, I used to get burgled frequently, until I changed the decor of my house by putting a big blue lamp outside and erecting a sign saying, “police station” Now, I never get burgled It’s as simple as that. Although, admittedly, I do get called out a lot to other people’s burglaries. Yours etcFrom J Arthur Wallaby Dear Mr Kington, May I urge all your readers to beware of Neighbourhood Watch schemes? The man living next door to us, a Mr Phillips, was always very good about passing on the messages and notes etc, so one day when we were going away for the weekend we left our house keys with him in case anyone should need access When we came back, we had been comprehensively burgled. Not only that, but Mr Phillips’s were the only fingerprints found in our house.

To cut a long story short, it turned out he was a professional thief and could not resist the temptation. His defence in court was that he had been worried about the safety of our possessions and had decided to move them to his garage for safe keeping… The moral is, I think, that although you may not live next door to a burglar, a burglar has to live next door to someone. And that someone may be you.Yours etcFrom Mr Sid Perks (no relation) Dear Mr Kington, May I encourage your readers not to assume too readily that they are living next door to a burglar? I, too, became convinced that the man next to us was a criminal – he had the most irregular hours and was often to be seen lazing around at home – and I went round to his house one day, while nobody was in, to investigate. Sure enough, I found boxes and boxes of stolen precious objects in his garage. Unfortunately, he came back while I was in there and had me arrested for burglary. It turned out he was a bona fide antiques dealer, and he had always been convinced that I was the burglar! When I asked him why, he said it was because I never seemed to do any work.